Losing It!

This is basically a sounding board post...me putting my thoughts on paper and talking things through with myself and praising God for being all-mighty!

There have been times in  my life where I was so sure of the path that I was on. Then there have been times, such as now, where I was so lost. The past few months have been difficult at best, ailing grandparents, disabled parents and a sense of helplessness have defined my days for so long now that I do not think I am able to fully concentrate.

It has been a year of ups and downs, more downs than ups. It has also been a year of change and self-evaluation. I have always been a person of decisiveness and willing to move forward with a plan just to see it through. Lately, I have been the master of indecisiveness, second-guessing my every move. It took me a while to figure out exactly why I was feeling this way. Simply put, it was Satan eating away at my self-confidence and making me feel inadequate to any task.

I am still in the process of searching for the right path. I implore my Father daily for guidance and His hand upon me as I stumble around. I have figured several things out though since the demise of my self-assured walk. I now know that my current employment is temporary. While I love teaching, I have been doing so since I was 19 years old and I am burning out.

With the graduation of yet another group of students, I realized that my heart was no longer in it. I walk through the halls and I remember all the students who have passed through. I have a difficult time seeing the new faces because I am comparing them to the others. It is not fair to the students and I feel horrible! So, I will be stepping back more and more and focusing on my other callings: writing and discipleship.

I have had three individuals tell me I should start a church or a fellowship. I do not feel that the Lord is leading me to start a church, but I am beginning to wonder if He has laid it on my heart to move forward with a fellowship. Maybe this is where my future is...

Have you ever had a day or a week or even a month of stumbling around in the darkness? I feel like I have been fumbling and stumbling since May. I am beginning to see a few rays of light through the darkness, but there has not been a total breakthrough yet. I know that my faith is strong, even when I waiver. I know that the Lord is sitting beside me as I type this and He is reaching out to me and giving me the encouragement and love that I need to make it through these trials.

Thank you Lord, for being a patient parent and for giving me your hand to hold as I seek for my place and my path among the world.

All Powerful God

"We're serving a God who is all-powerful. There isn't anything too big or too difficult to keep us discouraged. God will help us through life's circumstances, no matter what." -- Charles F. Stanley

During a time of heart-break and sorrow, this message came to me in the mail from In Touch Ministry.

I have an ailing family member who is not expected to recover from her condition and it is breaking the hearts of all that love and cherish her. Her husband is bitter because he is losing his wife of 46 years and there is nothing he can do to keep her here. Her children are grieved because they watched her throw caution to the wind and ignore doctors' advise time and again. Her friends are fearful because that could be them lying lifeless in that hospital bed.

We are never given more than we can handle. That is what I keep repeating to myself as I stare across the waiting room, avoiding all contact with family members who are bent on destroying me and my child. I am caught in a waiting game. Waiting for doctor reports saying that she is slipping away inch by inch, waiting to hear the gentle whisper of the Lord as I pray his will and peace for those suffering and grieving. Waiting for the other shoe to drop and the attack to begin.

My family is not a close and loving family. We are a motley crew of believers and unbelievers butting heads and throwing insults. We have the devote Catholics who sure are glad they are not Christian, we have the athiest who hates God (I always thought an athiest was one who did not believe in the existence of God, therefore, how can you hate one who does not exist?). Then there is the holiday Christians and the "it's okay as long as you don't get caught" Christians. There are also those who are seeking Him and working towards completely turning their lives over to Him and His will. An interesting group of broken souls, righteous indignations and humble beings.

As I look about me and see this rag-tag gathering, I really think of the words uttered by Charles F. Stanley. We do indeed serve a God who is all-powerful. While my relative is lying in the hospital bed with little hope of recovery, we know that the Lord is the divine physician and He is able to heal the broken and infirmed. He is also capable of calling home his people and then giving those left behind the peace and strength necessary to carry on.

God will walk beside us through any situation and it is that promise that I am clinging to while I watch the suffering that is before me. During my stint in the ICU waiting room and sitting by her bedside, I spend much of that time is silent prayer for those around me and for His will to be shown. It is a difficult prayer to pray, especially when His will is not always your will. But I know that He will be there through it all and will lift us up and give us hope as we face one of our biggest challenges.

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Patiently Waiting

It has been months since I have posted anything. That is because I stopped asking my Lord for help. I stopped listening for his answers. I became impatient and so much like the sullen teenager who does not get their way. My world was crumbling and I felt lost and alone, abandoned if you will. Life seemed to dragging me along until I could no longer keep up.

After being reminded by a very unlikely source that my life was so hellish because I was no longer patiently waiting for God's answer. I was forging ahead and trying to make things happen on my own. He has a plan for me but I was unwilling to wait for Him to reveal it to me. My discontentment was beginning to show in my work and my relationships. I was suffering and those around me were starting to suffer as well.

The Lord brought me to my knees and I cried out in anguish because I was no longer fully trusting in Him. I basically spit on Him and stomped on His love. I went to Him in prayer and offered my heart to Him. I listened quietly and patiently, then I wept when I heard the faintest whisper in my soul. He filled me with peace and embraced me with love. I have not slept so soundly as I did last night after hearing Him reassure me.

This morning I awoke to a feather-light touch upon my cheek and a lightness in my heart. It was my Lord encouraging me to arise and continue my work for Him. Although it is going to take a while for me to get used to laying all my troubles and worries at the foot of the cross again, I know that I have a mighty Father who is waiting to catch me when I stumble again. Life is complicated, at least that is what many people say. For me, it is only complicated when I shut Him out and refuse to listen to His wisdom and feel His love.