Losing It!

This is basically a sounding board post...me putting my thoughts on paper and talking things through with myself and praising God for being all-mighty!

There have been times in  my life where I was so sure of the path that I was on. Then there have been times, such as now, where I was so lost. The past few months have been difficult at best, ailing grandparents, disabled parents and a sense of helplessness have defined my days for so long now that I do not think I am able to fully concentrate.

It has been a year of ups and downs, more downs than ups. It has also been a year of change and self-evaluation. I have always been a person of decisiveness and willing to move forward with a plan just to see it through. Lately, I have been the master of indecisiveness, second-guessing my every move. It took me a while to figure out exactly why I was feeling this way. Simply put, it was Satan eating away at my self-confidence and making me feel inadequate to any task.

I am still in the process of searching for the right path. I implore my Father daily for guidance and His hand upon me as I stumble around. I have figured several things out though since the demise of my self-assured walk. I now know that my current employment is temporary. While I love teaching, I have been doing so since I was 19 years old and I am burning out.

With the graduation of yet another group of students, I realized that my heart was no longer in it. I walk through the halls and I remember all the students who have passed through. I have a difficult time seeing the new faces because I am comparing them to the others. It is not fair to the students and I feel horrible! So, I will be stepping back more and more and focusing on my other callings: writing and discipleship.

I have had three individuals tell me I should start a church or a fellowship. I do not feel that the Lord is leading me to start a church, but I am beginning to wonder if He has laid it on my heart to move forward with a fellowship. Maybe this is where my future is...

Have you ever had a day or a week or even a month of stumbling around in the darkness? I feel like I have been fumbling and stumbling since May. I am beginning to see a few rays of light through the darkness, but there has not been a total breakthrough yet. I know that my faith is strong, even when I waiver. I know that the Lord is sitting beside me as I type this and He is reaching out to me and giving me the encouragement and love that I need to make it through these trials.

Thank you Lord, for being a patient parent and for giving me your hand to hold as I seek for my place and my path among the world.

All Powerful God

"We're serving a God who is all-powerful. There isn't anything too big or too difficult to keep us discouraged. God will help us through life's circumstances, no matter what." -- Charles F. Stanley

During a time of heart-break and sorrow, this message came to me in the mail from In Touch Ministry.

I have an ailing family member who is not expected to recover from her condition and it is breaking the hearts of all that love and cherish her. Her husband is bitter because he is losing his wife of 46 years and there is nothing he can do to keep her here. Her children are grieved because they watched her throw caution to the wind and ignore doctors' advise time and again. Her friends are fearful because that could be them lying lifeless in that hospital bed.

We are never given more than we can handle. That is what I keep repeating to myself as I stare across the waiting room, avoiding all contact with family members who are bent on destroying me and my child. I am caught in a waiting game. Waiting for doctor reports saying that she is slipping away inch by inch, waiting to hear the gentle whisper of the Lord as I pray his will and peace for those suffering and grieving. Waiting for the other shoe to drop and the attack to begin.

My family is not a close and loving family. We are a motley crew of believers and unbelievers butting heads and throwing insults. We have the devote Catholics who sure are glad they are not Christian, we have the athiest who hates God (I always thought an athiest was one who did not believe in the existence of God, therefore, how can you hate one who does not exist?). Then there is the holiday Christians and the "it's okay as long as you don't get caught" Christians. There are also those who are seeking Him and working towards completely turning their lives over to Him and His will. An interesting group of broken souls, righteous indignations and humble beings.

As I look about me and see this rag-tag gathering, I really think of the words uttered by Charles F. Stanley. We do indeed serve a God who is all-powerful. While my relative is lying in the hospital bed with little hope of recovery, we know that the Lord is the divine physician and He is able to heal the broken and infirmed. He is also capable of calling home his people and then giving those left behind the peace and strength necessary to carry on.

God will walk beside us through any situation and it is that promise that I am clinging to while I watch the suffering that is before me. During my stint in the ICU waiting room and sitting by her bedside, I spend much of that time is silent prayer for those around me and for His will to be shown. It is a difficult prayer to pray, especially when His will is not always your will. But I know that He will be there through it all and will lift us up and give us hope as we face one of our biggest challenges.

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Patiently Waiting

It has been months since I have posted anything. That is because I stopped asking my Lord for help. I stopped listening for his answers. I became impatient and so much like the sullen teenager who does not get their way. My world was crumbling and I felt lost and alone, abandoned if you will. Life seemed to dragging me along until I could no longer keep up.

After being reminded by a very unlikely source that my life was so hellish because I was no longer patiently waiting for God's answer. I was forging ahead and trying to make things happen on my own. He has a plan for me but I was unwilling to wait for Him to reveal it to me. My discontentment was beginning to show in my work and my relationships. I was suffering and those around me were starting to suffer as well.

The Lord brought me to my knees and I cried out in anguish because I was no longer fully trusting in Him. I basically spit on Him and stomped on His love. I went to Him in prayer and offered my heart to Him. I listened quietly and patiently, then I wept when I heard the faintest whisper in my soul. He filled me with peace and embraced me with love. I have not slept so soundly as I did last night after hearing Him reassure me.

This morning I awoke to a feather-light touch upon my cheek and a lightness in my heart. It was my Lord encouraging me to arise and continue my work for Him. Although it is going to take a while for me to get used to laying all my troubles and worries at the foot of the cross again, I know that I have a mighty Father who is waiting to catch me when I stumble again. Life is complicated, at least that is what many people say. For me, it is only complicated when I shut Him out and refuse to listen to His wisdom and feel His love.

God is so gracious

I had a run-in with my car door in that there is a crack in the shell. Normally this is not a huge deal but the crack just so happens to be located on the driver side just below the latching/locking mechanism. Go figure! Therefore my driver's side door was stuck closed. I now have to climb through the passenger's side to get into the driver's seat. The Dukes of Hazzard boys crawled through windows so this should not have been a problem...wrong! Take into account that I have RA and discs in my back are compressing. The extra twisting and turning was making things much worse for me!

I started praying for any help the Lord saw fit to bless me with...actually I was praying that the van door could be fixed for around $50 since money is hard to come by these days. After numerous calls to auto repair places and collision repair places as well as salvage yards it looked hopeless. The car is a 1994 and therefore so obsolete that working on her is just impossible. I was in a panic...now what?

Just when I was about to sink into despair and completely lose it, the phone rang and it was one of the salvage yards that I had contacted. They had found a door that would fit my car! Even though it is a disreputable looking door and blue...did I mention that my car is red...it is a working door where I can actually get in and out without wrenching my back.

God is so gracious and while I think my door broke as a lesson to me in humility. He pulled me through and I now know not to take the little things for granted! The door is being installed today by a family friend who is absolutely amazing, always there when needed. I will eventually have the door painted to match the car, but for now, in the dead of winter, I will drive my red car with the blue door. It will be a reminder of God's graciousness and His ability to keep me safe and bring me through hardship.

This is not my normal type of post, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the way the Lord is moving in my life.

God Bless.
~Micki

Are You An Abigail?

Are You An Abigail?
Meek, Gentle, Humble Creature of God

You may be asking yourself, “Abigail?”

Yes, that’s right, Abigail. We meet Abigail in 1 Samuel. She is married to a most despicable, barbaric cad, Nabal. “His name was Nabal and his wife’s name was Abigail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband, a Celebite, was surly and mean in his dealings.” (1 Sam. 25:3 NIV) Nabal is brutish whereas she is intelligent and beautiful.

She possesses both brainpower and loveliness. Abigail puts both to work quickly when she learns from her servants of Nabal’s crude responses to David’s messengers. “David sent messengers from the desert to give our master his greetings, but he hurled insults at them.” (1 Sam. 25:14) Upon hearing of this distressing news, Abigail gathers offerings and races to intercept David. She does so without telling her husband.

As David and his men of four hundred descend toward the camp of Nabal, Abigail intercepts, armed with “two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of roasted grain, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of pressed figs” (1 Sam 25:18) loaded on donkeys.

Four hundred men are riding in with David to destroy Nabal and his family for their impertinence. Four hundred men rein in their mounts and gape. Some gape at the food; others at the beautiful woman. She is gorgeous and she has brought a feast for the weary men. Just imagine the picture that made! A beautiful woman standing in the middle of the road with a great feast bundled on the backs of donkey! That is enough to make even the most peculiar person stop and gawk.

The importance of this moment is so immense and Abigail knows that she is the final obstacle between her family and certain death. Collapsing at David’s feet, she pleas for her family’s lives. “My lord, let the blame be on me alone. Please let your servant speak to you; hear what your servant has to say.” (1 Sam. 25:24) Abigail does not protect Nabal or make excuses for his barbaric behavior. Instead she agrees he is a wicked man. She begs for forgiveness, not justice, accepting all blame when she deserves none. “Please forgive your servant’s offense.” (1 Sam. 25:28) She presents the gifts from her house and encourages David to let God deal with Nabal and avoid the oppressiveness of penitence.

David cannot refute Abigail her appeal. “David said to Abigail, ‘Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me. May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands. Otherwise, as surely as the Lord, the God of Israel, lives, who has kept me from harming you, if you had not come quickly to meet me, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak.’ Then David accepted from her hand what she had brought him and said, ‘Go home in peace. I have heard your words and granted your request.’” (1 Sam. 25-32-35)

David and his four hundred men return to their camp. Abigail returns home to Nabal. When she returns home, she finds Nabal too drunk to speak with, so she waits until the next morning to relay how close David had come to their home and Nabal close to death. The news upset Nabal and “his heart failed him and he became like a stone. About ten days later, the Lord struck Nabal and he died.” (1 Sam. 25-37-38) When David heard this news he went to Abigail to make her his wife.

Humbleness saved the day for Abigail and her family. Abigail’s kindness inverted a river of fury. Humility has amazing power. Apologies can defuse anger. Contrition can disarm rage. “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.” (Proverbs 25:15)

Abigail teaches us much, the infectious power of benevolence, the strength of a gentle, compassionate heart. Her greatest example though is to take our eyes off her beauty and set them upon someone else’s. She transfers our thoughts from a rustic path to a Jerusalem cross. Abigail in no way knew Jesus; she lived a thousand years ahead of his sacrifice. But looking at her life, it prefigures his life.

Look at the facts. Abigail positioned herself amid David and Nabal. Jesus positioned himself amid God and us. Abigail asked to be punished for Nabal’s sins. Jesus allowed heaven to punish him for our sins. Abigail turned away David’s anger. Christ protected us from God’s wrath.

Christ is called a mediator. “For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men – the testimony given in its proper time.” (1 Tim. 2:5-6) Who is a mediator? One who stands between? What did Christ do? He stood between the wrath of heaven and us. God treated his blameless Son like the guilty human race, His Holy One like a lying villain, his Abigail like a Nabal.

Are you trying to cope with your Nabal world? Do as David did, stop staring at Nabal. Instead shift your eyes onto Christ. Focus on the Mediator and ignore the troublemakers. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21) One Abigail can rescue a family. One co-worker can change unethical policies. Keep your eyes firmly fixed on the cross and find the beauty that surrounds you.

Once you find that beauty, you will become an Abigail and radiate the beauty of your inner strength. You will show the world that you too are a mediator with a benevolent spirit and a gentle compassionate heart.

New Content Coming Soon

Hello to all! I have been amazingly busy these past several weeks. The Lord has really kept me moving and shaking things up!

I have started to do more freelance writing and have clients scattered across the globe. They have kept me pretty busy. Along with them, I have some young people that I have been working with on mentoring and they have kept me on my toes. Not that I am complaining...they are a delight to work beside as they discover His love and plans for their lives. I remember being that young (fresh out of high school) and not having an idea as to where He would lead me. How lost I felt! 

Now I am content to be walking the path He set my feet upon and am learning so much about myself, the Lord and the people He has placed in front of me. My prayer time is filled and I am finding my alone time with the Lord to be more fulfilling as I give up my control over matters. He is the one in control of my life and He will direct me. It took me almost 15 years to figure that one out!

I will soon be writing again for this blog and it is my hope that all who read it are uplifted and encouraged by my words and the things the Lord is doing through me. 

God's blessings and protection on all of you!
Rev. Michelle